Japan · Life · Mental Health

Old friends in new times…

I’m not very smart when it comes to friendships.  I often give people second and third chances and sometimes let people walk all over me before I slam the door on a friendship.  Perhaps this is a product of living abroad where meaningful connections are few and far between.  Perhaps I just crave human contact so badly that I’m willing to put up with a lot of shit before I cut someone out completely.  Even after I cut someone out of my life it doesn’t mean my anxious brain can ever forget about them.  I still think about Kotono and Kunzite at times.  I always think about Motoki (even though he kind of cut me out and not the other way around).  Yuichiro and I have had a rocky road but we still talk, and I still think about him (even though he’s gone to live in Canada for the time being).  Which brings me to Demande.  I think about him from time to time especially since oddly enough I’ve seen his Instagram with who I assume is his new girlfriend who just so happens to resemble me.  If you’re new to this blog, a lot of these names might not ring a bell.  However, if you’ve been here a while, what I’m about to tell you might infuriate you, so here’s a warning for you to stop reading if you need to.  (Also, if you’re curious as to some back story into Demande, you can start here or here.  However, Demande’s story goes back much further than that.  If you’re so inclined there’s a lot of drama around April 2017 involving Demande.)  If you’re wondering why I feel so sentimental about Demande, maybe I should tell you that my two year anniversary is coming up.  Two years ago on October 1st right before my birthday we moved to a new city in Japan.  In this city I had no friends.  I knew no one.  Mamoru hit the ground running.  He went to work leaving me alone, jobless, friendless, and depressed as fuck.  I couldn’t get a job in an office as quickly as I wanted, but I was able to score some freelance work.  One of my freelance clients was Demande, and we met in February 2017.  He drank a beer at our first meeting.  While that was hilarious, the best thing about Demande is that he offered his friendship the second time we had met.  I didn’t have any friends here.  I was in the throes of depression.  Motoki and I had been spending a lot of time talking on the phone connecting me to my former life and city.  Demande and I had an unfortunate infertility connection from the start.  Throughout the year Demande would be more than once a rather shit friend to me, but I can never forget that he offered to be my friend when I literally had none.

Perhaps all that 懐かしい (nostalgia) is what prompted me to drunk text Demande at midnight.  I said this “I miss you sometimes.  Not all times.  Just sometimes” because I can’t ever be 100% nice to Demande.  I have to be a little bit of a bitch since he had been a bad friend.  Then what happens?  Well, Mamoru and I have a fight.  Not related to this, but it’s time for his periodic “Marriage is hard and I want to give up and I don’t think you can take care of babies” fight.  That last part is a recent addition.  Um what the fuck now?  He started with he didn’t think I could give up my crazy party lifestyle.  Yeah okay Mamoru.  My crazy working at karaoke one night a week and the rest of the week lying in bed reading party lifestyle.  Is everyone getting this?  That evolved into me being to selfish and not wanting to give up my life for kids.  Huh?  I’ve told him many times I would change my life for our children.  That evolved into him saying he wished he could live a single life again.  I reminded him that he had plenty of single life to live abroad or fuck whomever he wanted as we met and married later in life.  He had most of his life before he met me to live a single life.  Exhausted and spent and confused as shit, I crawled into bed at around 3AM.  But before not sleeping very well, I checked my messages.  Lo and behold Demande had replied.  I honestly didn’t expect my drunk text would warrant a response.  He said he misses me too and our friendship.  After further talking today he said he’d like me to do a little freelance work for him from time to time as his work schedule permits.

What is even happening right now in the world?!?!  There are no planets in retrograde right now.  There are no crazy cosmic occurrences right?  Motoki came out of the woodwork, and now Demande has come out of the woodwork as well (well I’ll admit I may have cut him out of the wood a little bit since were going with wood analogies here).  Right now it’s nice.  However, both Motoki and Demande have historically been bad friends even though both of them helped me overcome a very difficult move (a literal move that is).  I guess we’ll see how things play out.  I can anticipate much of the same, but life often surprises you.

I hope your weekend is going lovely.  Be well.

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