Life · Mental Health

How do I hold on to happiness?

I was lying in bed alone last night (as Mamoru showered and went directly to the sofa as per usual) and texting Rei and just crying until my pillow was annoyingly wet and I had to flip it.  At one point I said to Rei: “I can’t ever seem to hold on to any happiness in my life.”  If there was a statement that perfectly describes my life, this would be it.  I don’t know why the PTB seem so intent on taking things away from me.  Or that I’m allowed a glimmer of happiness, but only for a short time before that too is ripped away.

Evidence:

  • I can’t seem to hold on to the happiness I had being engaged and first married to Mamoru as he threatens to divorce me every once in a while.
  • Some of my happiest times in Japan were spent with Naru until she moved away.
  • After that I had happy times with new friends in my old city which I loved and had to leave.
  • After that in my new city I had crap friends until I met Rei who was responsible for almost all of my happiest times here but she’ll soon be in Korea.
  • Then Mamoru and I got pregnant with our miracle baby and we were giddy with happiness but we all know how that turned out.
  • Mamoru is recently so scared of adoption that he sometimes tells me he doesn’t want to do it.  While I know it will be difficult (isn’t everything in life), I know children will bring me happiness, and it’s threatened to be ripped away before it even happens.

I cannot today.  I need to stop crying get my shit together because today is busy as fuck.  I have two freelance meetings (one with the long lost Demande) and karaoke that I’m going to try to enjoy instead of crying in the bathroom.  I’m really glad I canceled my Japanese lesson today because I probably would have started crying there too.  Autopilot activated.

I’ll leave you with a quote from “Maniac” the new Netflix limited series which is currently fucking me up.

“You know that movie It’s a Wonderful Life?…If that happened to me, there would be no difference in the world.  What’s wrong isn’t that I’m sick…it’s that I don’t matter.”

Be well.  Right now I can’t but I hope you can.

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