懐かしい。It was nostalgic seeing Demande yesterday for the first time in almost a year. It was also hard. Fucking hard.
Before I go into the specifics of what happened yesterday I’m going to remind you that September (this month) is the month our (Usagi and Mamoru’s) baby would have been due. This month if the PTB had for once decided my life wasn’t a proverbial dumping ground I would be holding our baby girl in my arms. How do I even get up in the morning? Some days it’s really fucking hard, and every morning I’ve stayed in bed for as long as possible.
Now on to the story of Demande which contain a series of red flags. Pay attention.
Anyway Demande tells me about his girlfriend of just four months who he met on Tinder. Red flag. Now I’m sure some people have forged meaningful relationships from Tinder. I’m sure those are far fewer than those using Tinder just for hook ups. Then again what do I know? I got married before Tinder was a huge thing. Demande says he wanted to date a Western girl and he dated another Western girl before this one. He said those relationships caused him to examine his own life and culture and find and extract the faults caused by his cultural upbringing. This is incredibly huge for a Japanese person especially one who thinks that Japanese culture it the utmost and is not at all in need of changing (sadly a lot of Japanese people think this way). At this point he said he hadn’t been a very good friend to me and wanted to know if I would forgive him. I cried. Yes I cried in the middle of a restaurant. This was the first unexpected cannon ball to my stomach (just wait until you hear the other one). Of course, I forgive him and harbor no hard feelings even though he was real awful to me. I’m in the business of forgiveness.
My mental health is already shaky this month (see above), but I am still able to continue on easily after that. It was unexpected but pleasant. Demande continues on about his girlfriend saying he hasn’t yet told me the whole story. Oh? I cannot even imagine the cannon ball that comes next. He says she’s pregnant, 8 weeks. Because Japanese people are so forthcoming when they speak English, he says “I didn’t even cum inside her. It’s a miracle.” Red flag. I really want to like this girl because she seems to have caused Demande to change for the better which is a Herculean feat. He says she’s pregnant with twins, and she lives in his house (because she’s on a tourist visa) and doesn’t work. I’m a nosy fucker, so I pry a little bit. I ask a series of questions.
Do twins run in her family?
Do they run in your family?
Does she or her family have money?
The answer to all these questions is no. Red flag. Red flag. Red flag. Now this chick is not Japanese but I will give you some (unsolicited) advice. The easiest and fastest way to get a Japanese man to marry you whether you are Japanese or not is to get pregnant. Pregnancy without marriage is still a HUGE stigma in Japan. Anyway that’s why it took Mamoru so long to marry me. I never accidentally got pregnant. Demande is talking about marriage now and how to get his pregnant girlfriend a visa because she has to leave soon. Meanwhile I’m waving red flags around while my heart has sunk into my gut and the entire mood of our lunch has gone as sour as rancid milk because I didn’t bother to tell him about my MC. I told him later that I didn’t tell him about my year because it would kill the mood but he said his news did that so it didn’t matter anyway. Even as we parted I still said nothing about the MC.
Why was I waving red flags about? Demande has a lot of money. In just four months this girl who doesn’t have any money nor a job has managed to secure her spot in his life rather easily. It doesn’t take a lot of time with Demande to see that he has money. Everything he has is designer (clothes, bag, shoes, wallet). His technology is all the newest Apple products. In the past he had taken me to a lot of dinners or lunches. He never let me pay for anything. One time he treated Michiru as well. Perhaps this is just an example of Japan itself. It’s a very wealthy country and a lot of Japanese people have designer stuff (Mamoru does right down to his underwear) and money. Further evidence is Demande’s car. It’s a Mercedes convertible. It’s really nice. I know it wasn’t cheap. I’ve never been to his apartment but I’ve seen the building, and it’s in a very desirable area. I know that can’t be cheap. The point is that Demande spends money like someone who doesn’t have to worry about money. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get out of another round with my new friends last night because I need to save money for my trip to my old city and even the ¥500 drink I bought last night made me wince. Demande will tell you that he’s not a rich man but that he wants to be. I think he’s very well off. Surely self made as his business is his own.
Anyway, you’re probably asking yourself “Usagi, why the fuck do you even care?” And you’re probably right. Demande is just my friend. He’s not my ex. He’s not my brother. He’s an adult, and I shouldn’t have to protect him. Perhaps my feelings are jealously but not in the way you think. I’m incredibly jealous of this girl because she gets the life I have been fighting for for years with minimal effort. I really hope those babies are Demande’s for his sake. I know he wanted to be a father before with his ex wife. She got pregnant and miscarried, and their marriage fell apart. I don’t think it’s fair. Life isn’t fair I know but I don’t think it’s fair that his girlfriend gets everything I ever wanted without any fight. Meanwhile, Mamoru and I have been fighting for our children for years, for the entire length of this blog. He’s already passed 40, and I’ll be 40 next year and we have nothing to show for our fight (except countless tears and unmeasured heartache). It makes me ill. How can so much imbalance exist in the world? I hope those babies are in fact his, and he has a happy life with them. Honestly, I do. Meanwhile, our house is still empty and silent, and there’s no telling how long it will be this way.
Be well. I’m trying to be but failing every day.