Life · Mental Health

Motoki again…

I’m lying in bed and listening to the heavy rain caused by the typhoon that’s just hit.  I’m exhausted and probably gonna crash out early.  While I got back into the hotel last night at 12:30AM, I didn’t go to bed until well after 2AM.  Rei messaged me last night and said she was worried about me not getting home because they were stopping 新幹線 (bullet train) service at 9:30AM.  Originally my return ticket was for noon, but Mamoru advised me to get a seat on a non-reserved car on the earliest train I could get on.  These trains start running at 6AM, so I set my alarm for 5:30AM and with the help of sheer willpower not to be stuck there as well as a taxi to the station, I was on the 6:30AM 新幹線 in a non-reserved car with a window seat.  Two stops later the non-reserved cars were full and people were standing.

Last night was a lot of fun and a lot of laughs and some startling revelations (which need not be revealed here as they are not my secrets to share).  We started at a buffet.  Makoto came first, and we had a chat.  She looked exhausted.  Artemis arrived next, and he’s looking so very skinny that I’m worried about his health.  He expressed that he’s fine, but I don’t know if I believe him.  Then Motoki arrived, and I hope my other former coworkers didn’t notice, but he got the tightest and longest hug from me.  Motoki looked tired too, but he also looked so happy.  He didn’t stop smiling all night.  Finally, one last coworker arrived, and he looked like he was dying, so he left after dinner.  To be honest the mood at dinner was a bit somber perhaps due to everyone’s exhaustion.  After the ill one left, the remaining four of us headed to the Hub.  Because it was a rainy day, Happy Hour was extended and we got two rounds of drinks at the Happy Hour price.  Makoto didn’t stay long and after that with the addition of more and more alcohol it became an evening of loose lips (mostly Artemis’s confessions).  However, Artemis also asked some prying questions.  For example, he asked Motoki if he’d ever cheat on his wife.  Motoki said “no, never” and I thought back to the days when Motoki and I used to sit in the office and talk about everything and how much I could always tell he loved his wife and son more than anything.  I always thought that kind of love was so pure and true and hoped Mamoru talked to others about me in this way (though knowing Mamoru he probably never has and the thing he mostly tells others about me is that I’m American leaving people in awe of him).  Anyway, the three of us sat around and talked about everything and drank a lot.  Until, we had to get out of there because some mountain man looking Canadian was trying to hit on me even though I said I was married.  Since that didn’t seem to be a deterrent for this creep, Artemis offered that Motoki and I were married and at first Motoki was super reluctant until I grabbed his hand and shot him a look that said “Do this for me please.”  I don’t think Japanese guys especially get how helpful it is for girls to use a guy friend to get creeps to back off.  (In the wake of recent news, it pains me that I still have to do things like this.)  Anyway, Artemis stifled laughter as we darted out of there quickly, the three of us laughing at this fool as soon as we got on to the street.  Artemis proclaimed that the Canadian was a “cracker hick motherfucker” and none of us disagreed.  Artemis got on his train and Motoki and I hung back a bit before parting to talk a little bit more.  Motoki called me weird and said he didn’t understand why I liked him.  I tried to explain.  The place where Motoki and I worked together was always so stressful (still for him), but when we talked I never felt stressed and he would always talk to me even if he was incredibly busy.  I said he also helped me a lot when I first moved to my current city.  He talked with me on the phone always and made me feel less sad and alone.  I asked Motoki how his depression was.  He said he must be fine because he’s fat now (his words not mine).  Maybe he gained a little weight, but it’s not at all noticeable.  He also said he’s never depressed when he’s drinking with me.  That is a definite mutual.  Last night I forgot all about the weight of September.  I really miss these guys, mostly I miss Motoki.  I made him promise not to disappear again.  I hope he doesn’t.  I need him in my life even if he’s at a distance.

That’s it for me.  Losing steam.  As always, be well.

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