Life · Mental Health · Miscarriage

Mamoru & Demande & Rei…

Last night Demande called me.  Fortunately, he called while Mamoru was on the phone with a coworker (which is super rare).  At the beginning I told Demande that I needed to talk to him, and I didn’t say why only that it was important and it was something about me he needed to know.  He said he would try to find time to meet with me today, and I thanked him saying I wouldn’t take up too much of his precious time.  I told him my noisy brain was turning over something and I needed to get it out.  Mamoru got off the phone, but I was still on the phone with Demande.  Mamoru heard the tail end of the conversation where I was telling Demande that I was spending time with Rei today as this is her last day here, and I didn’t know when I would be available to meet him.  When I went to talk to Mamoru after, he was mad at me.  He wanted to know why I was talking about “her” on the phone with one of my freelance clients.  I explained the “her” was Rei, and I was telling Demande my schedule.  Mamoru doesn’t know much about Demande.  I often tell him about people, but then he forgets.  I tried to explain Demande to him at that moment.  He is my freelance client, he has a pregnant girlfriend, etc.  Mamoru asked if he wanted me to meet his girlfriend and was that the “her” I was referring to?  I said that yes Demande wanted me to meet his girlfriend.  I didn’t even have time to mention the whole rest of the story before Mamoru accused me of lying about all this and scheduling some secret tryst with a lover.  I’m sorry but WTF?  This fucking mammoth leap is insane right?  Especially since I told him exactly what happened on the phone.  This is why I hate talking on the phone when Mamoru is in the house.  He’ll concoct some ridiculous scenario in his head about what the phone conversation is about.  Needless to say we had a big ugly fight, and I went to bed with puffy eyes, and a tear stained face.  In the morning Mamoru gave me a weak ass goodbye.  Like I need this right now?  Rei is leaving today, and I’ve got anxiety up the wazoo about Demande’s girlfriend.  Mamoru acting like a fucking child is the last thing I need right now.

Before that big ugly mess, I decided what to tell Demande.  For more information Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and my anxiety attack.

*Trigger warning: Graphic descriptions of a miscarriage*

A brief chat with Naru yesterday morning while biking to Company H prompted me not to do something crazy like talk Demande into surprising his girlfriend with an all expense paid trip to the doctor.  Instead I’ll attempt (as his friend) to appeal to his emotions.  I know he can be emotional and sensitive.  I think this is the best route in the hopes that we all find out the truth.  However, this means exposing myself (metaphorically people calm down) and telling him things that only a few people know about me.  This means I need to tell him a story.  There are two stories I could tell, but they both end the same way, so I think the effect will be the same.  I don’t think I could bring myself to tell him about my recent MC, but I can tell him what happened to me when I was 21.  I got pregnant and though the father was a walking turd, I intended to keep the baby.  I went to one doctor maybe around 7 weeks (same as Demande’s girlfriend).  The doctor recorded a heartbeat.  I didn’t go to the doctor again.  It was twelve weeks when I awoke in the middle of the night with the most unbearable pain I’ve ever felt in my life.  As long as I live I will never forget that pain.  It’s branded into my memory like a scar on my heart.  The other thing I will never forget is the blood.  I had never seen so much blood come out of me.  I could have sworn I was dying.  The worst part about all this was that I felt fine all up until this point (just as Demande’s girlfriend claims), but the baby inside me had died.  There was no external indication of this, so I had walked around normally for maybe 5 weeks with a dead baby inside me until my body decided to figure out what the fuck was going on.  I could have developed an infection or worse.  The point is that I was young, so I thought I was fine.  I will tell him all this.  It will be heard because it is my story.  It’s something that really happened to me, and I hope he will see it as an urgent need for his girlfriend to get an ultrasound as this will be delivered from a place of concern.  Naru also said that I should keep Demande close and don’t say anything to push him away such as accusing his girlfriend of being a lying psycho.  I should keep being his friend which sometimes means holding (again metaphorically) Demande with kid gloves.  Thank you to those who took the time to comment on my last post.  It’s good to know that I’m not crazy in thinking that she’s faking a pregnancy.

Meanwhile, I’m mentally exhausted and physically drained.  I have far too much on my plate for someone with mental health issues to normally handle right now.  My husband is being an asshole, my best friend is moving to another country, and my other friend is in a precarious situation.  It’s too much for me honestly, but what can I do?  All of these things require my immediate attention.   I’d be lying if I said that things were easy right now.  They are not.  They are incredibly difficult.  I hope you are doing better than I am.  Be well.

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