Life · Mental Health

In the tune of WTF…

I suddenly have the urge to get incredibly fucked up tonight.  Randomly, Mamoru messages me today and says he wants to move to Portugal.  I’m sorry what now?  He pulls this shit once in a while.  Says he’s wants to move overseas and then pulls some random ass place out of fucking nowhere.  I said he can’t just spring shit like this on me.  He can’t decide things like for the both of us.  He says he doesn’t want to live in Japan forever.  Maybe I do.  I definitely have no desire to move to Portugal (fucking random).  The thing is I chose Japan, and I also chose Mamoru, but I thought those things would always be together.  (Mind you that’s not why I chose Mamoru.). What’s more is that Mamoru promised to get me my babies first before he even thought about moving to another place.  We’ve been working so hard to adopt and sometimes Mamoru says he doesn’t want to do it.  The last fight we had, he said we could get divorced and separate and he’d still support me.  Of course, I have no desire to divorce him.  Just like I have no desire to move to fucking Portugal.  What I want to do, what I’ve wanted with him for the past two years is to have our babies.  Our babies which obviously can’t be achieved the natural way and so we have to wait for the them.  Dealing with Mamoru’s fickle nature is incredibly bad for my mental health especially since my anxiety is often triggered.  Right now this who situation is giving me tremendous anxiety.  Added the the recent sadness caused by Rei moving to Korea, and trying to out Demande’s girlfriend as a golddigger I’m not in a good place right now.  This is so fucked.  I’m crying now and not only do I have a freelance meeting but I also have to work karaoke tonight.  Unbelievable.

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