Life · Mental Health

Saturday was an even worse day…

On Saturday after Mamoru came home from his English lesson, I said “okay let’s talk.”  He was hesitant at first, but then he came out with it saying “I don’t want to adopt.”  Never mind we’ve been working on this for about a year and are heavily vested in the process.  Never mind it’s something we’ve been planning on and planning for for a year.  Never mind it’s not a snap decision like his decision to move to Portugal.  Never mind this may be my last possible chance to have any children at all.  Never mind all that.  Suddenly, he thinks he won’t be a good father and that I won’t be able to take care of our children properly (due to the language barrier).  What’s more is that Mamoru has been thinking I’ve been cheating on him since January and nothing I say can convince him otherwise.  To understand this, I need to take you back to New Year’s Eve (which I don’t think I ever wrote about in my blog).  On that day we went to a live show (we being Mamoru, Naru, and Shingo).  It was the first and last live show Mamoru attended with me.  There was a musician whose music I liked and I had never met standing at the bar, so when Naru and I went to the bar, I used that as an opportunity to talk to him.  During our interactions, he put his hand on the small of my back and I took a photo with him (for Instagram bragging rights).  When he saw Naru he said おっぱい (big tits) and subsequently grabbed her boobs.  Naru does have huge boobs, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to grab them, but being a woman in the world Naru took it with gritted teeth and didn’t punch anyone in the face.  I tell you this to give you an example of how big a skeeze this man was.  Mamoru saw all this happen.  He didn’t intervene.  Shingo also saw all this happen.  He also did not intervene.  In fact, Shingo told Mamoru that I was always friendly to people like this at shows.  I’m sure this hurt more than Shingo had meant it as a “It’s nothing to worry about.  Usagi is always friendly.”  That night Mamoru went to park the car nearby but didn’t come home immediately after.  When he came home, we had a big fight, and Mamoru accused me of cheating with this man.  What?  That night was the first time I had ever met him which I explained to Mamoru.  He didn’t care that this man grabbed Naru’s boobs in front of us.  He only cared about this man grabbing my butt as Mamoru interpreted him putting his hand on my back.  Mamoru said more evidence of my “cheating” was that when I talked to that musician, I was happier and more animated.  He said I never talked to him (Mamoru) with that same attitude.  I threw the same argument at him.  When he talks to anyone in Japanese it’s completely different than the robot voice he always uses with me.  Mamoru wouldn’t listen to reason.  He had it in his head that I was cheating on him.  Let me just say first of all that I’m not cheating on Mamoru, but if I was, does he think I’m actually stupid enough to flaunt it in his face?  That’s how I feel about his weird behavior when Demande called me.  Again, if I was scheduling a meeting with a lover (I wasn’t), but if I was why does he think I’d do it in front of him?  He says he has evidence of my cheating in the form of me hiding my phone.  What?  And also that I had told him I was going somewhere with Rei, but then didn’t check in on Facebook.  What?  A couple weeks ago he demanded to see my messages, and I wouldn’t show him because I often complain to Rei about his behavior.  Also, I think if someone demands to see your messages that’s some abusive controlling shit right there.  I told him that he knows my schedule exactly.  I write it on the calendar every week.  He knows where I am always.  I told him he is welcome to come to anything I go to (even my freelance work though that would be fun to explain to my clients).  He doesn’t want to.  I told him I take (Instagram) videos of everything I do.  He’s welcome to see them.  However, I think that the private messages I share with my friends are just that.  Private.  And he has no right to DEMAND to see them.  He said then (on Wednesday) I should show him my Line (a messaging app used in Japan) chat screen (not the actual messages).  I said that he could and the top people on there are Rei, him, Yumiko, and Demande (who had just called me).  He said it didn’t matter now because I didn’t show him my messages when he first demanded to see them some weeks ago.  None of this really matters.  Because of what happened on New Year’s, I think he will forever think I’m cheating on him.  (Mostly he said because his mom cheated on his dad and he has trauma.  Yeah so?  My dad cheated on my mom and I’m not accusing Mamoru of cheating every five minutes.  We all have fucking trauma.)  He said that I could have an out.  We could get divorced, and I could marry someone else.  He said it’s okay.  I said I didn’t want to marry someone else.  I wanted to be married to him (despite the fact that he’s insane) and have children with him (like we’ve been planning) and not with someone else.  In the case we ever did get divorced, I would be done.  No more husbands for me.  Dealing with Mamoru’s shit has been enough for a lifetime which I told him.  This further evolved into me reminding him what a shit time it’s been, and that in September (when our baby was supposed to be born) I thought about it every day that month.  I thought that instead of holding on to Small Lady right at that moment, I should be holding our baby girl.  Our baby girl who died way too early.  This evolved into not just me crying but Mamoru as well.  Saturday was a big flaming pile of poo.  After all that Mamoru hugged me tight, said he was sorry, and we went and ate Indian food for dinner.  I told him honestly that I don’t know how many more times I can have this same fight with him.  It drains all the life out of me and I walk around like a fucking shell for the next few days.  My mental health is already shaky, and things like this just push it over the edge.  However, I still love Mamoru.  That’s never been in question (for either of us).  I still want to get our babies.  That’s also never been in question (for me).  I just don’t know how much longer my mental health can deal with these incredible scenarios he creates in his head.  I don’t know what to do.  For now we continue on.  I’m an internal wreck.  Fortunately, I work at the slow office of Company H this week, so it won’t be too mentally taxing for me.  I hope you are doing better than I am.  Be well.

3 thoughts on “Saturday was an even worse day…

  1. When I was struggling in my first marriage many years ago, my sister said “if you were to have kids, would you want him as the father?” My instantaneous response was no, because the kind of person he’d become was no model for a child – even though we didn’t have kids. I filed for divorce shortly after and while it was hell for a while, I moved on and was able to forge a life I never could have with his mean spirit.

    Remember it’s okay to put yourself first – you won’t break. As they say, the cracks are there to let the light in. He’s shown you who he is, it’s now up to you to believe him.


  2. Well first of all. I (personally) am doing perfectly fine – no boyfriend/husband/lover to worry about; no real adult issues to worry about, only the fact that I have to get up and work every day. But aside from that my life is grand compared to all the stress you have to go through.
    I find it so difficult that when you try and reason with someone, they simply don’t, or refuse, to listen to you.
    That one person who you’re supposed to be the closest with accuses you of such ridiculous things. It’s difficult to read such things.
    And for sure I can tell you that you’re one strong person for even still having the will to go through with this.
    I’m a very shallow person when it comes to relationships, and that means that I absolutely can’t tolerate bullshit. I’ll call that person out and if I can’t reason with them for the 10th time and if they refuse to understand then I bid farewell.
    But I know you’re much headstrong and commited than most of my kind of people so I only have a huge amount of respect for you girl!
    Have some sweets and tea and take some time off when you can.
    Enjoy the silence and passing of people to unwind a little.


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