Japan · Life · Mental Health

“Who needs a house when I’ve got all these friends..”

It’s been a while since I posted.  My life is currently a tire fire (that’s bigger than a dumpster fire right?  Assuming it’s like a lot full of old tires).  First of all, KC is fine.  He’s eating normally.  He’s full of energy and he’s annoying but cuddly as fuck.  So that’s all good but the rest of my life is slowly deteriorating.

Last weekend Mamoru and I went to look at houses.  After that we got in a big fight because he said he didn’t want to buy a house because he couldn’t afford it. (He can.)  He said he didn’t want to get a loan even though any bank would give him a loan in 0.5 seconds.  He said he didn’t know how long we’d be in this city and our current apartment was big enough.  While he’s right that our current apartment is big enough for the two of us (and Small Lady and KC apparently), it won’t be big enough for a family.  I told him that he didn’t want to get rid of anything (nor did I even though his hoarding tendencies take up a tremendous amount of space in our house).  We left that argument hanging in mid-air and then he acted like a child for the rest of the week barely exchanging pleasantries and as per usual asking nothing about me or how I was doing.

In case you’re wondering how I’m doing, I’m about to break.  Tomorrow my friend is getting married, so because going to a wedding in Japan takes a specific kind of dress, I went shopping for one on Monday.  It was a colossal waste of time.  Two stores I went into the sales ladies didn’t even acknowledge me.  The third store I went in to, the sales lady ushered me over to the 大きサイズ (big sizes) and told me to shop there.  I angrily proclaimed (in Japanese) that I was not a big size despite the baggy clothes I was wearing and cursed this skeleton lady under my breath before leaving the store in a huff.  Fucking bitch.  The fourth and final store I went to the saleslady finally acknowledged me and was beyond kind to me but the two dresses I tried on didn’t fit my bosom (yeah that’s fucking 大きサイズ you fucking skeleton bitch).  I kindly thanked her and bought a shrug before leaving.  When I got home I bought two dresses on Amazon and prayed they would fit.

On Wednesday work was insane and I was near tears the whole day.  Company H was busy as fuck . Then I came home and Mamoru tells me he wants to buy お父さん’s house because お父さん wants to live in a care home.  Okay so I got upset.  I said he can’t afford お父さん’s house.  He said he could get a loan.  Okay so he can get a loan to buy お父さん’s house but not get a loan to buy us a house.  That evolved into he could renovate the house which then evolved into he could just tear down the house (which is more than 40 years old) and have a new house built in its place since the land is the most valuable thing about it.  I conceded to either a renovation or a rebuild.  I said I guess I could live there.  It’s a nearby city (a much smaller and less cool city), but I suppose if I was taking care of children, I wouldn’t need to be so cool.  Plus, we’d have a new and modern house which could have everything we wanted with a view of the ocean.  All this is supposition of course.  Especially considering how Mamoru operates.

Yesterday was proverbial straw that broke my back.  Company H was insane.  What’s more is my supervisor yelled at me for something that wasn’t my fault.  Later she realized her error and tried to explain how she had failed to inform me of a new system in place.  When Mamoru got home, he acted weird when I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner after my dress delivery came.  He acted like an ass about the dresses I ordered, and I just fucking lost it breaking down into tears and yelling at him.  I said he didn’t give a fuck about anything I did (or anything that had happened to me) all week.  He didn’t ask me anything about my week even though I ask him every day about how he is.  He said he didn’t feel like talking because we had a fight.  Um yeah last weekend.  Are we still fighting?  The argument devolved into him literally standing there with his arms crossed refusing to speak to me.  I called his behavior immature and childish.  I then asked him if he planned to ruin this wedding or the Thanksgiving dinner I had been planning for more than a month,  He said he wouldn’t, but I guess we’ll see.

He also said he wanted to live separately from me for a while.  I told him to do whatever he wanted to do because I’m not the boss of his life.  I don’t know if this is something that he will actually do because he says he wants to do something and then never actually does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  I told him last night that dealing with him is fucking exhausting, and that he can’t drop random literally pulled out of the sky shit on someone with anxiety.  He STILL after almost 5 years doesn’t get how anxiety or depression works.  He still doesn’t get it.

Today was also torture at Company H.  I hate being at the busier branch.  At least no one yelled at me.  I also talked to Yuichiro (via text) for a second.  I sent him a message because I had a dream about him last night.  He said my dream sounded nice and also said “I know u miss me.  I miss u too.”  He’s in Canada by the way.  I don’t know if I ever mentioned that.  Fortunately, he’s not there forever.  He’s right.  I really do miss him.  I was happy to hear he missed me too.  On the way home from Company H, I had to make 100 stops.  Supermarket, post office, bank, 100¥ store.  I got home, sat down for less than 30 minutes after cleaning up Small Lady and roasting some veggies, and then had to run out the door for my freelance meeting.  Motoki messaged me before I left saying he couldn’t talk tonight, but I was so deflated that I probably couldn’t have talked much anyway.  It wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened.

Anyway, all this is what’s currently going on in my life.  I’m about the implode.  Tomorrow morning I’m going to get my hair done for the wedding.  Good news is that both dresses I bought on Amazon fit.  I ordered a red dress and pink one.  I’m going with the pink one for the wedding.  The red dress is cute, but I think the pink one better suits the event (and Mamoru said as much too).  Attending a wedding in Japan comes with a specific set of rules which I didn’t know the first time I attended a wedding in Japan.  I felt super foolish after I found out how badly I had faux pas’d.  This is the second wedding I’ve attended in Japan.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I’m also looking forward to pigging out at my Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday.  Thanksgiving is the holiday I miss the most being in Japan (since Japan has every other holiday).

This Thanksgiving I’m thankful for my friends who are still my friends.  I could not have gotten so far in life without the love and support of those closest to me.  I love them so much.  Happy Thanksgiving.  Be well.



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