My eyes are puffy and red from crying last night. I’m supposed to be over the moon excited. We (Mamoru and I) are leaving for Cambodia today (our first trip together to an unknown place in years). Since we started trying to have a baby seriously and then started focusing on adoption, we decided to put off the expense of traveling. But as you know no baby ever came, and I spent the last two Christmases in tears. Since Christmas Eve this year, almost every day following has also been in tears. Especially because this Christmas, I should be holding our baby. Our baby that would have been 3 months old this Christmas. I tried to plow through. I went to a theme park with Yumiko and tried to enjoy myself. At the end of the day though I still felt sad. I’ve been on autopilot since Christmas Eve. Just trying to make it through every day. However, I was starting to get excited to visit Cambodia, a place neither of us had been to. Then it all disintegrated.
Yumiko wanted to go dancing last night. For two reasons I convinced her to just come over to my house, watch comedy, and eat food. One I thought it best to avoid any sort of tension with Mamoru before our trip. I didn’t want to have an argument with him right before we travel. The other reason is because my mental health has been poor, I didn’t want to slap of a fake smile and try to be friendly with people. However, it was all fruitless because Mamoru found some wipes (for the animals) I had purchased so we wouldn’t run out before we could make it to Costco and proceeded to scold me like I was a child, so I lost it. I’ve been trying to hold it together all week, and my mood was finally improving. I couldn’t believe he wanted to argue about something so trivial. He went on to further point out things I was doing wrong in my life. He acts like I constantly spend his money frivolously (which of course I do not). I spend his money on groceries and household items. I spend my own money frivolously. However, I always feel like no matter what I do, I can never do anything right in Mamoru’s eyes. I told him it makes me feel stupid and useless. Meanwhile, he hasn’t slept in our bed in months, hasn’t touched me in months, and generally doesn’t speak to me unless it’s to chastise me for buying wipes. He’s constantly on edge about money these days because of the house. Also, I’m total shit with money and have been my whole life. Since I’m about to quit Company H, I’m about to be without a steady income, so I’ve managed to save a little money. It’s not much but it’s better than the nothing I had saved before. That was another thing that infuriated him last night. Why do I still suck at money? Well, people don’t change overnight. I’ve always been bad at money and it takes a while to fix that.
How can my mental health ever get better if the world is constantly chipping away at it? If the PTB are constantly telling me I suck so much? If pregnancies and babies are constantly being shoved in my face? How can I ever get better? I don’t know. I wish I did.
I’m mentally exhausted. I can hardly fake my way though life right now. When do things get better? When do things get easier? When do our dreams finally come true? Probably a long time after everyone else’s are realized.
I can’t be well right now but I hope you can. Happy New Year. 明けましておめでとう。