Life · Mental Health

Bad (mental health) days…

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It’s been a bad weekend (mental health wise).  On Friday, I got my hair done.  It was quite a dramatic change.  It’s now pink.  It’s so different and cute, and I’m absolutely in love with it.  That was great.  When I posted it on the interents, I was overwhelmed with “cute” comments followed by “love it” comments.  It was so nice and a total self-esteem boost.  That was good.  Then it all went downhill.  I had plans to meet two friends Friday night after karaoke.  They both canceled.  Sad and feeling abandoned, I came home.  Mamoru saw my hair (which I know he had already seen on Facebook) and said 「ヤンキ」to me as soon as I walked in the door.  Basically it means “punk” and he says that to me all the time and I know it was meant to be a joke but fuck if it didn’t crush me more.  So now two friends bailed and one husband who said I look like a punk instead of saying something nice.  I cried in the shower.  A little drunk and a lot exhausted, I passed out.  In the morning, Mamoru drags me out of bed to do a Pokémon raid despite the fact that I have no desire to get out of bed.  When we get back home, I attempt to put together a Magikarp Nanoblocks and while I’m yelling at Mamoru about the dishes, KC gets on the table (where he’s not supposed to be) and knocks the almost finished piece off the table and then Small Lady starts eating on of the pieces.  I yell at them and then I just lose it, crying at the table over the blocks.  Of course, anyone with mental health issues knows that the blocks are not the real reason I’m crying (even though let’s face it those puzzles are fucking hard).  Mamoru said nothing to me.  No words of support.  Nothing.  I spent the rest of Saturday in a haze.  I just felt empty.  Like I couldn’t be happy nor sad.  I just felt mentally exhausted.  I went to bed and again didn’t want to get up in the morning.  It’s now Sunday afternoon.  I’ve been up and back to bed.  I’m feeling hungover like I had too much to drink but I didn’t drink anything.  An emotional hangover for real.  I’m in bed writing this and I’m thirsty but I don’t wanna get up.  Also, it took hours to actually write this.  I’m trying you guys.  I really am.  I just can’t do better right now.  I’m done writing.  I can’t write anymore.  Be well.

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