Japan · Life · Mental Health

Abandonment…

I’m lying in bed.  KC is curled up next to me.  Small Lady is sleeping next to the sofa where Mamoru is taking a nap.  It’s a chill weekend.  Kind of.  Mamoru would actually sleep the whole weekend, but I asked him if he’d see Aquaman with me since it just opened in Japan.  However, I feel like if I didn’t ask him, he wouldn’t wanna do anything with me and that thought alone fucking sucks man.

Friday was a fucking tire fire.  I worked at karaoke as per usual.  The crowd was pretty good, and I was looking forward to going to the club after with Yumiko because for once she could actually hang out of a Friday.  However, our resident bartender gave her a lot of alcohol, and while we moved, she stayed behind talking to my boss (who forgot to pay me).  So first of all, I didn’t get paid and that fucking sucked.  Then Yumiko got lost trying to catch up (I mean come the fuck on.  She’s been to this club before.)  I sent her the location twice but she couldn’t find it, so she went home.  To be honest, I’m a little annoyed with Yumiko these days.  I was really looking forward to hanging out with her, but she bailed and other times when I ask her to hang out she’s always hanging out with this guy she’s fucking.  Meanwhile, I’m in the club with another friend and his new French friend, and we’re all dancing until they suddenly disappear.  So I’m like WTF and I ran into a Swedish boy who was at karaoke and he’s complaining about there being no girls in the club, so I find two of the only girls in the club and wingman that until they are talking to him.  Now feeling like a 5th wheel, so I go to look for my friend and his French friend who abandoned me earlier.  I find him with the French guy downstairs, and I start yelling at him for being a dick and ditching me.  In the midst of this the French guy takes off (apparently something he’s good at doing).  Suddenly, I’m crying, and then I’m bawling.  He let me cry, comforted me, hugged me, and told me “it’s okay”.  Now I think (if I know anything about depression and anxiety) that being abandoned in a club by someone who is not a close friend (while it fucking sucks) was not the entire reason for this particular breakdown.  In fact, I think this this just a mirror of my life.  Mamoru has abandoned me a lot lately while not physically definitely mentally.  He talks to me rarely these days (if at all).  On weekends (which had previously been our time together), he’s at tennis and English lessons and then spends the rest of the time sleeping.  I’m sure if I asked, he’d say he’s fine, but I’m afraid he’s not well.  Who knows?  Maybe he’d just rather sleep than talk to me or hang out with me.  I don’t know.

Truthfully, I’ve had abandonment issues for a long time due to always being abandoned by ex-boyfriends.  I don’t have any mommy or daddy abandonment issues.  They’re still around.  I’m certain it’s due to being dumped by guys for no reasons or being dumped by friends for no reasons or even the many many friends who I’ve had who’ve moved away from Japan.  I hate rejection.  While Mamoru hasn’t physically abandoned me, he’s not very mentally present in our relationship these days.  Moreover, Mamoru hangs the threat of divorce over my head from time to time, so there’s always a looming fear of abandonment.

I don’t know you guys.  I’m not well.  I’m really trying.  It seems like lately I’m failing miserably.  Yesterday, I lied in bed all day.  I had no desire to get up.  I guess I can only take things one day at a time.  Today is a a little better though I still feel that emptiness deep down.  I hope you guys are doing okay.  Be well.

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